3. Shred Your Ride

Men be LOVING their vehicles.  Which is why it remains so confounding that boys will destroy any car or truck within a matter of very short months.  At what point do they reverse course and become men – diligently scrubbing wheels, polishing clear coats, and coating dashboards with that special protective coating to guard against harmful UV rays?  Probably when they become drivers, and buy into the myth that girls are somehow impressed by shiny cars.  But until then, boys are the ultimate destroyers of all makes and models.

I know this because I have had many vehicles destroyed by boys, including a Honda van that was one of the most immaculate used vehicles ever sold.  It was so immaculate that when first purchased from its original owner, an Air Force officer with a garage floor clean enough to roll sugar cookies on, I was informed that he had spent the previous day polishing minute imperfections from the clear coat finish with a clay detailing bar.  If you’re not familiar with the use of a clay detailing bar, this is the equivalent of washing your laundry on the normal gentle cycle, then donning a pair of steel mesh gloves embedded with finely crushed diamonds for purposes of combing microscopic fibers of fabric and debris from each of your tube socks.  It’s a little over the top.

Six months later, this van looked like it had been driven through an automatic car wash equipped with barbed wire scrubbing rotors.  Things my three boys have done to this vehicle:

  • rode entire length of the van with their bike handle scraping along the paint
  • smushed Incredible Hulk stickers from the kid dentist on multiple interior windows
  • rode entire length of the van with scooter handle scraping along the paint
  • used rear window wiper as mountain climbing device, ripping it from its hinge.  Twice.
  • rode entire length of the van with plastic toy lawnmower scraping along the paint
  • attempted to ride powered side doors as they were closing by dangling from outside handles
  • rode entire length of the van with front teeth scraping along the paint

Ok, that last one is hypothetical, but there are so many scrapes along the entire length of that van that anything is possible.  And now, things my two daughters have done to this vehicle:

  • spilled granola bar crumbs in the back seat

Case closed.  And I sure hope that Air Force guy doesn’t do much blog reading.

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6 thoughts on “3. Shred Your Ride

  1. Please don’t get mad at me when I say this: I can be having the worst parent day ever, and somehow always feel better by reading something your boys have done…lol!

  2. Lol! I think it’s because, even when mine are acting totally crazy and out of control, and my husband “flips out” with dismay, and the questions, of “Why do they do that?”…I can look at him every time, and say it’s completely normal, dear, my old pastor’s son’s kids do the same things!” Lol!

  3. Pingback: 14. Ultra-urgent Nothingness | Stuff Boys Do

  4. My favorite part- riding the doors! I love it! I have had the joy of meetin these boys and I have to say although they were your typical “boy” they were fun and very polite!

  5. Wow! Our Sienna minivan has almost the same exact damage that you describe from our 2 boys. However the worst damage is when my husband turned around towards the van holding a water ski. Big ole dent with that one. Oh and now the automatic doors don’t work so we either have to pull with all our strength to get them opened or have everyone file out through one of the front doors. Embarassing. But the most fun they had was not in the van but in front of the van….riding our garage door up and down.

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