Last week, as I watched Nicholas (5) chase a screaming Caitlin (2) in circles around the kitchen table while firing laser beams at her from half a baked potato, I realized – there is no stopping the weaponry of boys. They will truly fight you to the bitter end with any item. If a battle is going down, boys will fight it with whatever is on hand. Even if they are in the process of eating their weapon while they fight. Boys will keep on firing.
Of course we’re all familiar with the standard issue weapons all boys employ, like sticks and rocks, but I’m talking about crazy creative weapons here. Stuff that makes you yell ‘dad phrases’ that immediately spawn a discussion inside your head about “how the heck did I get to the point in my life where I just had to yell ‘STOP SHOOTING YOUR SISTER WITH YOUR BAKED POTATO!!’ and am I still sane?” Those kinds of weapons. Therefore I present to you a few of the most outstanding boy/weaponry scenarios I’ve found myself enduring, and the “Insane Dad Phrase” uttered thereafter that cause me to question my mental health:
Scenario: Entire family is asked to assist with unloading weekly barrage of grocery bags mommy brought home from the store because logically it takes a family of seven to unload the ridonkulous volume of groceries required weekly by a family of seven. Where are Connor and Nicholas? Not carrying in more groceries. They are found lunging all over the kitchen, locked in a sword fighting duel to the death using brand new tubes of Ritz crackers. And naturally, they are stomping all over the bags of bread, eggs, and Cheerios that were deposited in the floor by the first wave of grocery deliveries.
Insane Dad Phrase: “WE DO NOT SWORD FIGHT WITH RITZ CRACKERS! WE EAT THEM WITH CREAM CHEESE NOW GET OUTSIDE AND HELP YOUR MOTHER!!”
Scenario: I have a pulled muscle in my neck and have just arrived home with all five kids, including fussy baby who needs a bottle and Nathan who is wailing about a pee pee emergency. The instant the pants are down he starts fire-hosing all over the place. I manage to get it pointed in the general vicinity of the toilet, but he’s so short he’s just shooting over the rim and blasting the back of the seat. I bend over and try to lift him up, but OOOH – the busted neck will not allow it, so pee is spraying all off the toilet seat and splattering all over my hair and shirt. I finally get the final three seconds of pee to land in the water only to turn and see Nicholas slinging soap bubbles all over the mirror. He’s making “PSSSS, PSSSSS” sounds, flicking his wrists like he’s shooting webs and yelling “SPIDER-MAN TO DA RESCUE!!! SPIDER-MAN TO DA RESCUE!!!”
Insane Dad Phrase: “SPIDER-MAN DOES NOT SHOOT SOAP SUDS, NOW MOVE IT SO I CAN WASH ALL THIS PEE OFF OF ME!!”
I’ve discovered that the weapons of choice for boys continue to become more advanced, and their targets more exciting. Connor will turn eight next month, and has been requesting that his sole desire is to go squirrel hunting. Granted, he’s been hunting squirrels around our yard for months already, using his wooden slingshot to fire acorns at them. He even told me he scored a “direct hit” one day, acorning a squirrel right in the head. “What did he do?” I asked. “Well, he looked at me for a minute then ran up his tree.” He’s probably lucky that squirrel didn’t come after him and that goofy wooden slingshot… At any rate, the other night Connor asks again about the hunting trip, and then says “Dad, I hope we can go…I really wanna make my first kill.” WHOA, WHOA!! It was all fun and games with the acorns and the Ritz crackers, but now I’ve got a boy going Rambo: First Blood on me! So what “Insane Dad Phrase” did I hear myself saying as I patted his head and turned out the light?
“Well yeah, I think we can do that, buddy. You’ll just have to get with your brother to practice shooting a lot before we go. He’s really getting lethal with the baked potatoes.”