Do not listen to Al Gore. Global warming has nothing to do with the oversized vehicle you drive, nitrogen fertilizers, or even gaseous methane eruptions from the rear ends of millions of cows and camels. The single greatest cause of global warming is boys. Americans spend approximately $250 billion per year on electricity. As a person who has had them in his house for eight years, I would estimate that boys are responsible for around $200 billion of this. We’re burnin’ up all the coal and oil and natural gas we can get our hands on. The electrical grid is old and failing, mainly due to 50 years of just trying to keep up with boys. As George W. Bush would say, “This sucker could go down.”
And when it does, it will all be blamed on boys. Why? I will tell you why:
1. Boys will never turn off a light. NEVER. As a father of three boys, 52% of my time awake is spent working, 2% is spent trying to write this blog, and the other 46% I am going room-to-room in our house, turning off lights. Sometimes I go into their room in the middle of the day and all the lights are on, with the curtains closed. I kill the lights, yank up the blinds and say “This is FREE light!! SUNSHINE IS FREE BECAUSE GOD LOVES US! HOORAY FOR FREE STUFF!!” They usually just give me the look.
2. Boys will never close a door. The greatest single piece of advice I have for new parents of boys: Don’t EVER buy a house with a sliding glass door. We live in Florida and it’s 145º all summer. I spend my entire summer yelling “CLOOOOOOOSE THE DOOR!!!” And then boys close the screen door. So I yell, “The OTHER DOOR!!!” I yelled about the door 14,000 times this summer. (this is probably a humorous exaggeration) Our next home will have hinged doors with industrial strength springy closer things at at the top of every one. So strong you will be forced to claw your way out, panting for breath by the time the door slams shut on its own, shaking the entire house. (this is not a humorous exaggeration)
3. Boys will leave the tv on every time. Why turn it off? It’s the Disney Channel, it’s fun. Who wants to turn off some fun? Let’s go outside, leave the door open, and jump in our pool. Disney Channel can keep running just in case we need some fun later, upon our soggy return to the couch.
4. Boys will play flashing games with all wall-mounted light switches. ON-OFF-ON-OFF-ON-OFF… This continues indefinitely until parental yelling ensues. This also does not violate above rule #1 because boys will always leave all lights ON after this game.
5. Boys will pursue major portions of their conversations with family while holding open the door to the fridge or freezer. Stuff like “When are we gonna go to that cool park with the giant pirate ship again because I’m hungry for some snack and then I want us to go to that cool park after that. HEEEEEYYYYYY!!! MOM!!!! I was going to get a cheese stick but he came behind me and stealed the last cheese stick!!! I’M TELLING MOM ON YOU!!” (chases brother down hall, leaves fridge wide open)
Once I was sitting on my couch – probably stressing about how I was gonna afford the electric bill again while the power company was burning up all the coal and collapsing the global atmosphere because my boys leave the door open all summer – when I realized that I’d been hearing a sort of hissing sound for the past ten minutes or so. You know, one of those noises that just gradually creeps up on you… What have the boys done now, I wondered. Clogged up the fan with UNO cards? Set up the sprinkler in their room? Coat hangers in the wall outlet to “make cool sparks!” maybe?
I wandered down the hall and closed in on the sound as I drew nearer to the bathroom. Not a boy in sight, and the faucet in the sink was running at full blast.
It was the hot water.
And the light was on.
Trust me. This sucker could go down…