I wish I had better news for you, but it’s not good. Boys are proliferating. After a mere handful of weeks spent authoring this blog, I have endeavored to conduct expert research in order to bring some lucidity to these pages. I feel like we’re just getting out of control here, what with all the climbing fences and national monuments, potty talk, rock throwing and other boy stuff. I mean, just this morning I filled all three boys’ cereal bowls (ones with that nifty milk-sucker straw deal on them) and before I could even get back to the sink there was a three-way race going to see who could twirl their bowl by its straw the fastest. Like some kind of crazy carnival ride, only this ride would have milk and raisin bran all slinging out everywhere. Stuff like this. Nobody should have to yell “NO SPINNING THE CEREAL BOWLS!!” that early in the morning. Something’s gotta give.
At any rate, what I found is distressing, to say the least. For every 100 girls born, there are 107 boys entering the world. With approximately 15,000 babies born on earth hourly, this means WE ARE CRANKING OUT 1,049 MORE BOYS PER HOUR.
Heck, my wife once had two boys in NINE MINUTES! The global numbers must have really been lopsided in 2005, thanks to us. (Sorry about that.) Of course it all evens out eventually because boys grow up to be men, who are best known for yelling “Hey, watch this!!” to their friends. And we all know how that turns out… By the time we reach our sixties, it’s a landslide. Girls are everywhere.
Females are also winning big in grade school, where for every 100 girls kicked out of school… 335 boys get booted. Shocker. My wife could have told me that. This morning as I was in the bathroom cleaning some carnival ride raisin bran debris off my shoes I heard her trying desperately to train a boy: “How many times do I have to tell you that the belt goes AFTER the tuck??? If you do the belt first, THE TUCK DOES NOT WORK!” Boys. Can’t even be trusted to tuck in their shirts, yet they’re taking over the world.
I am serious, people, this is a global problem. I researched it for this very article, and the information I uncovered is proof that we are in some deep trouble. According to a report from the CIA, boys ages 0-14 outnumber girls on this planet by nearly 61 million. You’re probably asking, “Why is all this in a report from the CIA?” Well, just read some more posts on this blog for ten minutes and then ask yourself this question:
“If I were in charge of the world and I knew the capabilities of boys…who would I assign to this situation?”