Sharing a home with boys requires you to develop cat-like reflexes, the agility of a Cirque du Soleil performer, and superhuman survival instincts. This is because boys are the masters of household sabotage. They move stealthily from room to room, leaving traps only the savviest of parents can avoid. Boys are some master booby trappers.
I snapped the above photo just this morning in our bathroom. The brothers usually come in every morning while I’m in the shower, ask 3 or 13 questions, and then bang on the shower curtain. (This is a blatant attempt to coerce me into playing the “scary shower monster game” which involves me combating their attack by howling and flicking water over the top rail at them at which point they scream, scamper away, and regroup to initiate another shower curtain invasion.) So, in an apparent attempt to waylay the scary shower monster post-shower, the brothers had constructed the leaning tower of toilet paper, then vanished. This is an obvious booby trap. The good news here is that in this case we see a relatively harmless, two-ply example. (We do not spring for the luxurious, quilted stuff.) Other situations are far more sinister…
Recent deadly tactics by boys in our house have mainly involved the use of Razor Scooters – devices curiously named considering the fact that actual razors may be the only possible way you would not be injured while stepping on and tripping over the scooter. The only places boys will ever park razor scooters is in the driveway behind vehicles or directly under that step down as you enter your garage. Just as a note, if you ever find yourself in need of one of those violent, steel grizzly bear traps with the jagged metal teeth – I’m absolutely certain a razor scooter will work perfectly for you instead.
Other weapons of choice in the boy arsenal of booby traps include age-old favorites like wooden train tracks, Lego blocks, and tiny metal toy airplanes. We have a solid metal Blue Angels fighter jet that has been embedded in one of my toes on at least seven occasions. Flight demonstration team, my foot – that thing is deadly! If we ever have like a truly serious invasion of some foreign army against America, I’ll just turn my three boys loose in the yard and driveway with their blocks, cars, and planes. Nobody will ever get near this place.
And always be ready for the “let’s tie stuff together to build a fort” ambush, which has befallen many a parent who unwittingly opened a boy’s bedroom door that was tied to the dresser that was tied to the laundry basket that was tied to the bunk bed that was tied to the fire truck with the giant extension ladder… They never see it coming. Boy fort traps are usually tied together with that fuzzy terrycloth sash thing stolen from mom’s bathrobe. Thank God my wife is like a size 4 or 1 or something…but any of you that are living a little larger and may have an XXL hanging around – watch your back! Boys can take that much bathrobe sash and tie your entire living room into the “Ethan Allen Cauldron of Doom” in very short order.
If you haven’t been taken out by a boy booby trap yet, don’t be getting all smug, reading this and looking down on those of us with battle scars. Your time is coming. Boys will get you. They always get their man.