21. Worry About Robbers

In the hierarchy of all things in life that boys are worried about, nothing comes close to robbers.  I don’t even really know when or where my boys first learned about robbers, but it doesn’t matter.  The damage is done, and all we can do now is work diligently to set their minds at ease by touting our vast abilities to thwart the efforts of all the robbers.  With small boys in the house, you’d better get ready for bedtime questions like:

“What if robbers wanted to take our piggy banks and all our toys but some of the toys were painted but some were not painted, would the robbers take only the painted toys or do they take toys that are not painted or only painted ones?”

What the heck.  Do we even have toys that are not painted?  And what did we feed this kid for snack tonight?  This is an actual question from a four-year-old I had to answer.  It was soon followed by this one:

“But what if the robber came to our house and somebody had put our doorknobs on backwards so the locker button was on the outside and the robber could get it and open it up?”

Then we are doomed, that’s what.  How could anyone survive that, really?

At the dinner table last week the boys were debating the topic of “the most selfish person in the world” (Who knows, I have no idea.  May have had something to do with limited quantities of applesauce.) when Connor reports:

“Nicholas thinks the most selfish person in the world is a witch!”

To which Nicholas yells, “NO WAY I DO NOT!  The most selfish person in the world is robbers!”  And then promptly asks his mother, “Mom, what if a robber came right into our yard and said that Jesus was the most selfish person in the world?”

GREAT LEGENDARY ADVERSARIES, BATMAN!!  A robber in our own yard who is smack talking about Jesus?  Moment of silence, please.  We have discovered the holy grail of bad guys… Actually you might think that with all the monsters, dragons and evil villains to choose from, robbers would fade to a distant slot on the scary bedtime list of boys.  Nope.  Still number one, no matter where you go.  At this weekend’s father/son church camping trip, I instructed all three boys to leave their shoes outside the tent before we piled inside to fight over the air mattress.

“But what if robbers come in the night and steal all our shoes?” Nathan wondered.

“Dude, we are 47 miles from nowhere and it’s pitch black out here in the woods.  If robbers steal our flip-flops and Crocs™, I’m pretty sure they are the bravest robbers ever and really need some shoes a lot,” I told him. (I did not tell him about all the actual items that should have been above robbers on the scary list in this particular situation.)  And later when I was complaining to my wife about getting zero sleep because the brothers poked and wiggled like fish on a hook all night long, she said to me, “Five year-olds are supposed to sleep on the floor!  Why in the world would you let them on your air mattress??”  To which I responded, hey – if shoe robbers really did come after us, there’s strength in numbers.  I’m not taking any chances.

So what about you?  Is there a bad guy even worse than robbers on the scary list for boys in your life?  🙂

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18 thoughts on “21. Worry About Robbers

  1. Great post…actually had this conversation with Jackson(5) last night. He mentioned that the window locks didn’t really matter because he could “break down” that window if I would let him….I chose to not let him. That was followed by a discussion about fish that can eat kids and how scared he is when we go to the beach…..yowza’s!

  2. Oh man, this was funny. I better watch out I have some really fancy flip-flops. Oh wait the robbers stole them already 😀

  3. Just so you know, it doesn’t get any better. John (who is almost 15) asks the most ridiculous “What if” questions on a daily basis. The only upside is now I can say, “look it up” or “You’re not allowed to talk for the rest of the day.”

  4. This post was so funny, I almost had soup coming out of my nose. Note to self: never eat lunch while reading blogs. Luckily, it was done by the time I got to “smack talking Jesus.” Your boys are right – no one disses the Jesus!

    By the way, thanks for the visit & the comment – I’ll be back!

    • Thanks Nami, any friend of Bridget is a friend of mine. 🙂 If I encounter any further Jesus dissing I will issue a warning. You know, in case you forget and are having soup again.

  5. I laughed before I even read your post–my 4 year old is constantly talking about robbers! I think he even worried about one taking our shoes on our camping trip this summer! East coast, west coast, boys are all the same, I guess!

  6. OMG’sh – so true! And now that the hubby is away, it’s turned to “If a robber got in, I would protect you with…..” and the rest of the meal is one big, giant one-upmanship of who can hurt the robber the most and with what.

    If one poor soul ever does feel the need to rob our house, I feel for him already. The beatings he’ll recieve from Nerf swords, maces and guns will be stunning!

  7. My 12yr old grandson is still worried about “robbers”. His bedroom is on the 2nd floor and the “robber” would have to climb a block wall, find and climb up a ladder, crawl across the roof just to get to his window! He wants his window shut and locked “in case a robber gets in”. Whaaaat?????

  8. Pingback: Monday’s Top 5 | The Happy Logophile

  9. Several years ago, we were watching another couple’s young son and daughter while they were out of town for a night. Before bedtime, I shut and locked the door of our apartment to make sure I “kept the bad guys out.” Big mistake – their parents had told them that they locked the door to keep the bugs out (of course). Perhaps that could have worked for you from the very beginning, but there’s no going back now!

  10. My #3 always has to make sure that his closet doors are closed at bed time. Not just closed over, but firmly shut in place, not because the boogy man might pop out, but because at any time during the night a shark could come out and eat him! Not sure where they come up with this stuff!! “Robbers” really aren’t a big concern right now for my boys, but I’m sure that if one ever tried to get in our house, we would just unleash the fish!!

  11. Ohhhh… laughing so hard … we have this conversation at our house. Can’t wait to run across the what if blog …. that’s another frequent conversation!

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