In the hierarchy of all things in life that boys are worried about, nothing comes close to robbers. I don’t even really know when or where my boys first learned about robbers, but it doesn’t matter. The damage is done, and all we can do now is work diligently to set their minds at ease by touting our vast abilities to thwart the efforts of all the robbers. With small boys in the house, you’d better get ready for bedtime questions like:
“What if robbers wanted to take our piggy banks and all our toys but some of the toys were painted but some were not painted, would the robbers take only the painted toys or do they take toys that are not painted or only painted ones?”
What the heck. Do we even have toys that are not painted? And what did we feed this kid for snack tonight? This is an actual question from a four-year-old I had to answer. It was soon followed by this one:
“But what if the robber came to our house and somebody had put our doorknobs on backwards so the locker button was on the outside and the robber could get it and open it up?”
Then we are doomed, that’s what. How could anyone survive that, really?
At the dinner table last week the boys were debating the topic of “the most selfish person in the world” (Who knows, I have no idea. May have had something to do with limited quantities of applesauce.) when Connor reports:
“Nicholas thinks the most selfish person in the world is a witch!”
To which Nicholas yells, “NO WAY I DO NOT! The most selfish person in the world is robbers!” And then promptly asks his mother, “Mom, what if a robber came right into our yard and said that Jesus was the most selfish person in the world?”
GREAT LEGENDARY ADVERSARIES, BATMAN!! A robber in our own yard who is smack talking about Jesus? Moment of silence, please. We have discovered the holy grail of bad guys… Actually you might think that with all the monsters, dragons and evil villains to choose from, robbers would fade to a distant slot on the scary bedtime list of boys. Nope. Still number one, no matter where you go. At this weekend’s father/son church camping trip, I instructed all three boys to leave their shoes outside the tent before we piled inside to fight over the air mattress.
“But what if robbers come in the night and steal all our shoes?” Nathan wondered.
“Dude, we are 47 miles from nowhere and it’s pitch black out here in the woods. If robbers steal our flip-flops and Crocs™, I’m pretty sure they are the bravest robbers ever and really need some shoes a lot,” I told him. (I did not tell him about all the actual items that should have been above robbers on the scary list in this particular situation.) And later when I was complaining to my wife about getting zero sleep because the brothers poked and wiggled like fish on a hook all night long, she said to me, “Five year-olds are supposed to sleep on the floor! Why in the world would you let them on your air mattress??” To which I responded, hey – if shoe robbers really did come after us, there’s strength in numbers. I’m not taking any chances.
So what about you? Is there a bad guy even worse than robbers on the scary list for boys in your life? 🙂