23. Meals on Wheels

Connor at age six. 114% boy.

“Do popsicles go on the couch?”

“How in the world did oatmeal get in your hair?”

“OK, WHO PUT YOGURT IN THE POTTY???”

I’ve noticed that many of the questions my wife has are about food.  Most of these questions are ones I hear her exclaim while I’m on the other end of the phone call.  (The majority of our phone calls end with her saying “Oh my gosh.  OH MY GOSH I GOTTA GO!!”  Click.)  And there I sit at work, wondering… Yeah, who did put yogurt in the potty?

The boys did, that’s who.  Give a boy some food and it’s like the secret signal to start wandering all over the house.  Boys know the exact speed-to-drip ratio to ensure that popsicle syrup dirt spots create a perfectly symmetrical pattern on the carpet as they meander down the hall.

You know where boys eat crackers?  On your side of the bed.  They hold pillow fight parties in mom and dad’s room, and crackers or cookies are mandatory.  Then you end up climbing in there that night and doing the one-armed sheet-dusting gyration where you try to arch your back up and swipe all the crumbs off the bed by raking your arm under your rear end…  You know you do this.  Just get up and start yanking the blankets off.  That one-armed method never works.

If you have a suspicion that snack piracy is occurring in your pantry, or if you just want to find out what stuff your boys are really eating, look under their bed.  Or in their closet. One weekend we cleaned out the brothers’ closet and found: popsicle stick, sucker stick, peach pit, gum wrapper, gum stuck to the carpet, raisins, and an entire carton of english muffins…empty.  It was like an episode of Hoarders in there!

The “mobile food” problem is really just an extension of the “table food” problem, which is a subject for a whole other discussion – a long one, too.  Once I approached the table at snack time and found all three boys using spoons to paint yogurt all over their chins and cheeks.

“What in the heck are you doing??” I said, because this is the required dad verbage.

“We’re building yogurt beards, Dad!!” a four-year-old told me.

So yeah, maybe we’re better off just letting them have roaming snack time.

What about you, where have you found boy food hiding at your place?  🙂

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25 thoughts on “23. Meals on Wheels

  1. This made me laugh. It’s so true. My 4-year-old does all of those things.

    “Why is that cookie on the couch?” “I might want it later.”
    “What did you do with your sandwich?” “I hid it somewhere. I bet you can’t find it.”

    And my personal favourite:
    “Why are you eating that on my bed??” “Because I don’t want crumbs on my bed.”

  2. I hate hate food stuff, any food thing in the bedroom. Arrgh! There is a RULE in our house but with kids, it’s more of a friendly suggestion, just a friendly suggestion.

  3. I remember when I was a kid. Me and my brothers didn’t want to get caught with food so we hid it in our shoes. Yeh you heard right our shoes. That way we could eat it at our leasure. What kids will do. 🙂 Hehe.

    • When my son was about 2, he would put raisins in toys inside the little receesed holes where the screws are put in toys. I have found canelope crammed into the cabs of his toy cars. One day I put my foot into my shoe only to experience something sqiushy pop open, then cold and wet juiciness followed. I was terrified I’d stepped in a large bug…….but no, it was just a tangerine wedge.I have also pried ancient ice cream sandwiches off the floor under the recliner. Sometimes I believe they should be sent outside to eat. Ilove my boys and they are always way better entertainment than any thing on TV.

  4. I have found candy wrappers, candy, go gurt, drink pouches, cups of milk, straws, 1/2 brownies, in my bed, under the bed, in his bed, between pillows on the couch, in the bathroom, laundry room — specifically in the dirty laundry, next to the fish tank (which I am hoping he didn’t ‘feed’ them his food), outside: porch, chairs, van — everywhere but the kitchen or the dining table. He did make himself a cheese mask while waiting in the van — you know the cheese from the cheese/cracker packs. Of course, I didn’t have anything to clean it with except for bleach wipes.

    • That’s always the case, isn’t it? When they make the biggest mess is exactly when you have nothing to clean it. Bleach wipes are so tempting, too! I love the cheese mask. And glad my boys don’t read this blog – they would be all over that idea!

  5. You forgot to mention the chocolate cupcake with chocolate and colored icing that remained on the closet floor for weeks before we discovered it. It was completely ground into the carpet b/c instead of picking it up, the boys just kept walking/playing on it. The stain is still there. Not even the Hoover Steam Vac could get that one out! They were probably saving it for a snack later.

  6. Love it, and LOVE the pic! That was a fun day! Bad news, this particular thing does NOT get better as they get older….mine still do it. I had to run one off of MY bed just yesterday, with crackers. Me: What are you doing on MY bed with crackers? Kid: Just laying here. Me, thinking: No, you’re not! You’re getting crumbs on my freshly washed sheets! Me, out loud: Take your crackers and their crumbs to your OWN bed! If you want to sleep on crumbs, help yourself! That kid was 11….

  7. I let my kids think they’re hiding the evidence of pilfered food. I clean it up,and they forget they ever sneaked it. Then I strike mid-robbery from the other side of the house (because kids forget parents can hear, even when they aren’t around to see) and sternly say, “Don’t even THINK about taking that pop to your room!”

  8. The one-arm gyration. Ha! That’s a classic. Yes, I do that but it’s because of boogers, believe it or not. Way more gross. As for food hiding – it culminates in ants and roaches here in the city – both my boys AND my husband absolutely HATE them so, they’re pretty good about eating in the kitchen only. My mother, on the other hand….

  9. My husband tried to hide a banana peel in the tub when he was a kid so he didn’t get in trouble for eating before dinner. The only reason the peel was found that same day was b/c he pulled the shower curtain shut, which was usually left open. All 5 kids (4 boys) were put in the bathroom and weren’t allowed out till someone confessed. But the boys won the battle of wills and he didn’t own up until 15 years later!

  10. Carl says his kids put a peeled banana in his boot and left it there all weekend. When he put his boot on at 4 a m in the morning, he had a squishy, rude awakening!! Yuck!! He says it took a week for his foot to quit smelling like a rotten banana. When he confronted them they said April Fools.

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