Economists debate hundreds of strategies for rescuing the soured economy, but I know the easy solution: just stop bothering boys. Boys are the true catalyst of any economy. Why? Because they use WAY too much of everything. If parents stopped harassing boys because they squeeze nine ounces of ketchup onto their plate when they only have three french fries left, corporate profits would soar. Millions of new jobs created… But no, we keep griping the boys out, trying to affect change, and for good reason. Stuff is stinking expensive! Who can afford boys?
The damage is hardly limited to refrigerated condiments, either. My boys use like three humongous pumps of the hand soap to wash their hands. Well, actually they squirt three humongous pumps of hand soap which is then promptly blasted off their hands by the water running at full force and the boys rinse for another four seconds with zero soap suds. All done. And then I come in and yell “HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU TO SUDS YOUR HANDS BEFORE YOU RINSE THEM???” This one kills me. Suds first, then rinse!! We probably wash a five gallon bucket of that liquid soap right down the drain every year and the boys still manage to arrive at the dinner table with dirt all under their fingernails. Have you seen how much soap comes pouring out of just ONE SINGLE full pump of hand soap? I’m surprised we haven’t had liquid soap escape the bathroom into the hall and flow southward into sister’s room yet, as many pumps as these boys are pounding out.
Don’t think corporate CEO’s are sitting around scheming up brilliant mergers, IPOs, and marketing initiatives. Hardly. They’re coming up with more ways to get boys to use their products. Boys clean up a five inch puddle of apple juice with 6.3 cubic yards of paper towels. Boys prefer a 3:2 ratio of salad dressing to actual salad. Boys will empty an entire bottle of shampoo into the tub before the water reaches even ankle-deep then yell stuff like “DAAAAAAAAAADDDDDD!!!! THIS BUBBLE BATH IS NOT WORKING!!!”
Boys be spending money like there’s no tomorrow. Expert articles talk about how costly it is to raise children and most people immediately think “college tuition.”
Ketchup. Gallons and gallons of ketchup.