40. Postpone Potty Breaks

When boys are fighting battles, building space forts, or hurling various balls at themselves and others in their latest version of the “throw balls at ourselves until someone cries” game, one truth always remains:

All bodily functions shall be ignored.

When it comes to boys, nature’s call is falling on deaf ears.  Most of the time, in fact, nature is probably yelling her lungs out, to no avail.  Boys march on.

On to the top of the playhouse, where they can drop “water balloons” they manufactured out of ziplock bags stolen from mom’s kitchen.  On to race the neighbor kid who has one of those new “waveboard” skateboards with only two wheels that you zig-zag wiggle to make it go.  (Seriously, why don’t they just go ahead and call this thing the “ER Blaster” and include a coupon for a discounted hospital copay.)  On to drawing up the driveway with enough chalk to line every SEC football field on a Saturday in October.

Possibly stopping to pee on the fence behind the air conditioner (only if certain death from bladder rupture is imminent).  But definitely not wasting time to visit the potty.  Boys are marching on.

The all-time classic potty postponement occurs each evening while the bathtub is filling. Every single night I tell the brothers “Go pee before you get in the tub.  Do you have to pee?”  Every night the brothers adamantly deny this seemingly preposterous possibility, brushing me aside like asparagus blocking the way to their brownies.  No way, dad.  We don’t gotta pee.  We got a Hot Wheels track that needs to ramp down the waterfall into the ocean.  We got a tiny sponge that says it will grow into a humongous red crab.  We got a Diego walkie talkie that isn’t supposed to get wet but it’s gettin’ wet anyway.  WE GOTTA PLAY IN THE TUB, DAD!!!

So, I step aside and let ’em in, like I’m the ticket taker at the “Typhoon Lagoon – Warm Bathwater Hallway Blast” attraction or something.

And then I wait 17 seconds.  Some nights, maybe 18 or 19.

“DAAAAAAD!!!  I GOTTA PEEEEEE!!!!!!!!”

Yes, I already knew that.  Not really because it’s happened every night for like seven years now… Just because boys never wanna go when they actually have to go.

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11 thoughts on “40. Postpone Potty Breaks

  1. Hilarious! I remember those days. Then they jump out, bubbles and water all over them while they pee and then jump back in. And of course the one that makes the biggest splash, is the winner.

  2. My youngest will sometimes just go wherever he is. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve walked past the living room and noticed the top of a still head behind the couch (because there is space there because of the way the curtains are installed in front of the big bay picture window) only to think “oh god, please no” as I’m doing a sprint only to find him in mid stream! He’s christened just about every floor space in my house!! Can’t wait for this season to pass!!

    Tessa

  3. I love reading your blog, it is honestly the most entertaining and enlightening blog I’ve come across. The adventures you all have are just fantastic, and some times awful for you I’m sure. I frequently share these with my fiancee and enjoy a good laugh. =] Keep writing!

  4. I have one never-stops 7 year old boy, so we’ve been able to relate to a number of your posts, and had a great laugh. “Stuff on the roof” made me especially laugh, we have those identical flip-flops. LOL

    Here is a question for you, how much, if any, talk of “taking over the world” goes on between your kids? For our son, it seems to be a running theme, Right now, he is making a “secret formula” that will help him take over the world. We don’t let him watch Spiderman anymore, and are wondering if maybe these are the lingering effects? LOL

  5. Funny that you should post something that I can relate to my daughter. She does the same thing, nothing will distract her from playing not even her bladder, and then it’s a race to the toilet because, unlike a boy, she can’t just hose the fence down and squatting in our backyard isn’t appealing to her.

  6. Mine definitely just goes in the tub….and do I let all the water out? Heck no….he’ll just do something even more disgusting when he gets out. Like, let the dog lick him IN the mouth. Why bother, he’s a boy.

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